Balancing MS

by Adrian
(New Jersey )

The balancing act of life with no balance.

Adjusting to PPMS with tragic optimism.

Since being diagnosed, I have thought a lot about the duality of life.
There are two sides to a coin, but still the same coin.
Good and evil.
Life and death.
You have to find the balance.

I have to think about walking. Each step I take. Lift your leg.
Heel. Toe.
Move your hip.

I am grateful for walking.
Made it to the beach! Walked up and down the boardwalk!

Using a cane on the beach. I can feel people looking at me. I know they aren’t doing it in a disrespectful way. Their eyes inspect me with kindness or pity, or just to think, I wonder what happened to her? And I hate it. It’s humiliating.

And when I take that difficult walk across the sand I also feel strong. Yes, look at me go! I’m so strong! I won’t let this disease keep me from doing anything!

The future. Will I dance at my kids weddings? Reading about primary progressive multiple sclerosis makes me think the answer is no.

And then I have a good day. And then I feel almost normal. And then I think- I’ll be okay. I have so much to be thankful for.

Tragic Optimism.